True Colors, And the Shade Doesn’t Fit

"Fuck me and Fuck the baby".  These words haunt my mentality almost as much as my ill fate to be with you. For years, I've endured your pleasing actions, followed by your hateful words. But everything has become clear, as you continue your "truth" in a secret quest to hurt me. NO MORE! My patience is only extended to prayers, that soon we part, never to see or speak of each other again.  It's shocking to even realize the path we've walked for this long.  Only difference is, I have journeyed alone as you claim to have unwillingly carried me. "It's not what I want" is your motto when it comes to an "us". Two different views and many harsh words later, and you grow inside me, month by month, week by week, as much as my hatred for you. Forgiveness is what we are required to bestow upon our assailants, but I admit that this is my greatest flaw. I can't forgive, much less be expected to forget. But I can let go and move forward. Its funny how much someone can give as the other person takes. I have no more to give, much less time to waste. Enough tears, pain & heartache have been endured. I think my capacity is on overload.

It's time for me to live blissfully free in love and appreciation. You can keep your lies and whatever else you offer, which in all fairness resembles fear. I have been shadowed by your fear and have suppressed my own fearlessness in hopes of freeing you! But in fact, I am the one who needs freedom. I haven't yearned for anything as much as that right. My loveless life pales in comparison to freedom. ..to live; to create; to express; and to love unconditionally.

I accept you for whatever you are. I have come to realize that I am beyond you, US, and this. For me to shine bright, I must rise from you darkness. No tears will shed for sadness; instead I look forward to what awaits me. My eyes are full of regrets. Regret over past decisions which even now, disturbs me.  At night, I receive vivid visions of a sad, hurt little girl, who cannot comprehend her mommy's plight and suffering. But despite these tales, I can see brightness.  I hold strong because fate is my ally.  No mother's journey is ever easy, but the reason(s) for my torment is of no importance. My only goal is to be free of you. Free to exist and co-exist with my soul and heart respectively. I am not sad, my dear, for there is nothing here for me. I am mad. At my prolonged sentence and suffering; at each conversation, which is yet another opportunity for you to push me away? If you only knew how far I am, you would just humble and leave me be.  I am in the stars, with the moon and sun as my guides. I reside far above you. My pity for you is kept, and instead festered as positive energy for my solo journey which lay ahead. I conserve because my strength is needed to propel me through my next stage in life.

This baby, my baby will be just fine. She will know of her father without having to know her father. Soon, my daughters will forget your memory, as we engage our days with new ones. Boredom, repression and deception, YOU, are a thing of the past. I look forward, eagerly to our (me & my girls) future.

You had to happen. You, who changed my view of the world; you, who led me to my higher self; you, who proved God and allowed spirituality to blossom... you have released ME.  A special someone who was once lost due to past predators. My innocence, which was stolen at childhood; my heart which was broken at adolescence; and my soul, which even now, you target during my adulthood.  But victory will be mine, this I know. I just have to wait for that silver lining, but in the mean time, I will continue to believe, continue to dream and continue to exist, FREELY in my cage of hell, which is you.

A Caged Little Bird

So it's been approximately eight years since I thought my life would get better, after me losing love before even fully beginning to explore it.  Sometimes it seems pointless for me to even consider writing about my past, because to some extent, it makes me feel like a victim.  I've felt this way ever since that horrible day...when I was 13...when everything, at least as I knew it, changed.  But who am I to say that this is just bad mojo that has been haunting me ever since.  What I have realized, is that our experiences shape our mindset. And our mindset rules our thinking.  And our thinking manifests who we are to become, based on our thinking which is dependent on our experiences.  So I, being on my journey for self, have come across some very helpful and useful advice. It has helped me to see that no one has cursed me, nor am I the winner for best candidate in the lack of luck category.  I have a lot of emotional baggage.  It mirrors it negativity into ALL of me, meaning all of my relationships. I have realized that I have to know myself, and love myself before I can even begin to fathom being loved.  I have some errors within me that I have to conquer, before I am to become who I am yearning to become.

It is nothing for me to admit my defeat and to adapt.  It's a skill that I've acquired over my time in this bondage.  No nurturing and no guidance.  I am constantly told to "get out", "move on", "get a job, stop dreaming"...but the fatal blow was that night, when without even an inkling of warning, I was ordered to "leave your life, and take my weight with me".  I was told that "you left a long time ago, and you used to believe the glass was half full, but it's half empty", "I am a grown woman, and to look for a place ASAP".  Of course the normal reaction would have been to react with anger, confusion and desperation, to demand an explanation, especially after months of preparation to move in to a house, together?  Well, the action continued to brew, but I began to feel like I was the only one who had no clue as to what the hell was happening.  All I could think of was WTF?  Instead, I uttered "Fine, no problem".  I guess thank God for Jamaica, huh? Jamaica, No problem Man. You know, we were just there, like not too long ago...as in a couple of weeks ago.  But I forgot...you didn't want to go!  And of course I can't blame you, or even get angry for that matter.  Why should I? Not like I am a human being, and have feelings or anything.  Let's even forget that we've been here many, many times before, only your excuses seem to change.  But one thing is certain.  You have never once said anything positive to uplift me.  And to learn that the one person who you felt meant everything and made you float on clouds when they believed in you, stops believing, that you were nothing more than your "basic sexual relationship", it kinds of make wanting to leave all the more easier. 

The broken heart role doesn't fit me, especially since I never had the pleasure of meeting yours.  You can't lose what you never had.  I have been so scared to be alone, without realizing that I've been alone for eight years. My only regret is not being financially able to satisfy your request immediately.  I have a new found sense of urgency and it enrages me.  I still feel trapped, confused, alone, angry - and it keeps me unfocused.  Where I am going, where I want to be, requires a clear mind and strong heart. I cannot reach my destination under your shadow. You desire me to change, to become more, yet you do nothing to encourage or bring this to fruition.  I can only pray that God has pity on my plight, and provide just a slight crack where my strength and cunningness can allow me to maneuver these walls (to my cage) and break through to freedom. I take time now to re-plan, strategize, adapt, and mend my broken wings - I heal today, so I can fly away tomorrow.

I am Goddess

.. Like Father time himself, I have the ability to stop time!

Yet I am no God. I am Goddess.

I can record random moments in history, but I am not a Historian!

I can vividly remind one of their past, and document their present, which rapidly becomes their past, for preservation of their future, yet I am not a fortune teller!

I am called upon to capture precious moments, but I am not the leader of any armies.

With this great power, I am merely equipped with my hands and my eyes!

Through the aid of light, am I allowed to captivate beauty, yet I cannot be compared to the sun!

I contain the art of manipulating time, for time is truly of the essence...

And that essence is our fruitful nature, that fruitful nature is as we know it, called Life!

I simply take seconds of life into the palm of my hands and freeze it....

And without our future, we will cease to exists!

History Making?

It's 9:21 pm as I sit in front of my laptop writing this.  It has dawned on me that we are currently experiencing a serious historical event.  The best part is, I get to actually witness it vs. reading about it in some history book.  History has always been one of my favorite subjects, and if it wasn't for my passion for writing and public relations, I would have majored in History. 

Learning about how things came to be in the current times amuses me so much.  Reading about explorers and their voyages, the Ancient Mayans and the Aztecs, to King Henry VIII beats watching any series on the television. Barack Obama's promises, to me, are so positive, that in a way it's scary. I myself would like nothing better than to see Obama win the presidency, yet there is a huge feeling that it won't happen.  And if it does, it's sad to say that he might be assassinated.  It's really a terrible thing to say, I know, but how can you ignore all the facts that history have taught us thus far? 

I am not trying to label this so much of a Black & White issue, since Kennedy was assassinated and he was Caucasian, however, I truly feel in my heart that anyone person, male or female, that actually intend to help the People, risk being put down.  Obama is planning to revamp Health Care - (which I couldn't understand how Canadians could do it but America can't) - and who stands to lose if this happens?  Of course the rich Republicans...remember "There is no profit in the cure, only the treatment"!  These are the same individuals that took the polls and places Bush into office, the same ones that gouged the gas prices (anyone wonders how the price dropped so drastically in a matter of weeks, when the demand for oil hasn't decreased)?

I just wish that we can all open our eyes and start to question the crap we are being fed and actually stand up for ourselves.  These people (don't get me wrong, not just Republicans are the financial rapist) are rich off of our hard earned sweat and blood.  I know it's childlike to want a peaceful and harmonious world, and I know that Obama can't literally give it to us, but I believe that he will open our eyes to how limitless our possibilities truly are.  He is our living proof that we can achieve anything if we unite as one people.  The world is so colorful and that is what makes it beautiful.  As a product of a mixed-race heritage, I understand the turmoil and conflict attached.  You can never actually claim one side or the other, and the choice isn't made for you if you can't actually fit into either class due to skin complexion, hair, features, etc...but I've grown to embrace my heritage.  I see beauty in my features, in my hair, and my complexion.  I see art within my creation and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

So I thank God for allowing me to witness this historical day!  I can proudly proclaim "I was there".  I saw an honest man ignore what society taught to be limiting, and spin it into such colorful hope for America.  I see a man who is attempting to heal her wounds (post 9/11) and nurse her back to her once prosperous and vibrant self!

Words of Promise

Rosa Sat

so

Martin could Walk

so

Obama could run

so

Our Children could fly