True Colors, And the Shade Doesn’t Fit

"Fuck me and Fuck the baby".  These words haunt my mentality almost as much as my ill fate to be with you. For years, I've endured your pleasing actions, followed by your hateful words. But everything has become clear, as you continue your "truth" in a secret quest to hurt me. NO MORE! My patience is only extended to prayers, that soon we part, never to see or speak of each other again.  It's shocking to even realize the path we've walked for this long.  Only difference is, I have journeyed alone as you claim to have unwillingly carried me. "It's not what I want" is your motto when it comes to an "us". Two different views and many harsh words later, and you grow inside me, month by month, week by week, as much as my hatred for you. Forgiveness is what we are required to bestow upon our assailants, but I admit that this is my greatest flaw. I can't forgive, much less be expected to forget. But I can let go and move forward. Its funny how much someone can give as the other person takes. I have no more to give, much less time to waste. Enough tears, pain & heartache have been endured. I think my capacity is on overload.

It's time for me to live blissfully free in love and appreciation. You can keep your lies and whatever else you offer, which in all fairness resembles fear. I have been shadowed by your fear and have suppressed my own fearlessness in hopes of freeing you! But in fact, I am the one who needs freedom. I haven't yearned for anything as much as that right. My loveless life pales in comparison to freedom. ..to live; to create; to express; and to love unconditionally.

I accept you for whatever you are. I have come to realize that I am beyond you, US, and this. For me to shine bright, I must rise from your darkness. No tears will shed for sadness; instead I look forward to what awaits me. My eyes are full of regrets. Regret over past decisions which even now, disturbs me.  At night, I receive vivid visions of a sad, hurt little child, who cannot comprehend mommy's plight and suffering. But despite these tales, I can see brightness.  I hold strong because fate is my ally.  No mother's journey is ever easy, but the reason(s) for my torment is of no importance. My only goal is to be free of you. Free to exist and co-exist with my soul and heart respectively. I am not sad, my dear, for there is nothing here for me. I am mad. At my prolonged sentence and suffering; at each conversation, which is yet another opportunity for you to push me away? If you only knew how far I am, you would just humble and leave me be.  I am in the stars, with the moon and sun as my guides. I reside far above you. My pity for you is kept, and instead festered as positive energy for my solo journey which lay ahead. I conserve because my strength is needed to propel me through my next stage in life.

This baby, my baby will be just fine. He will know of his father without having to know his father. Soon, my son will forget your memory, as we engage our days with new ones. Boredom, repression and deception, YOU, are a thing of the past. I look forward, eagerly to our (me & my babies) future.

You had to happen. You, who changed my view of the world; you, who led me to my higher self; you, who proved God and allowed spirituality to blossom... you have released ME.  A special someone who was once lost due to past predators. My innocence, which was stolen at childhood; my heart which was broken at adolescence; and my soul, which even now, you target during my adulthood.  But victory will be mine, this I know. I just have to wait for that silver lining, but in the mean time, I will continue to believe, continue to dream and continue to exist, FREELY in my cage of hell, which is you.